What to Say (and What NOT to Say) to Someone with an Eating Disorder

Supporting a loved one with an eating disorder can feel like walking through a minefield—you want to help, but you’re scared of saying the wrong thing. We get it. Conversations around food and body image are tricky, especially when someone is struggling. The good news? You don’t have to be perfect. You just need to be mindful.

Let’s break down what actually helps—and what can unintentionally do more harm than good.

First, Let’s Talk About Intent vs. Impact

Most people don’t set out to say harmful things. In fact, a lot of the comments that hurt the most come from people who mean well. But with eating disorders, intent doesn’t erase impact. What seems like a casual observation about food or weight might reinforce shame, anxiety, or disordered behaviors.

Here’s what I mean:

You say: “You look so healthy!” (Sounds positive, right?)
How they might hear it: “They can tell I’ve gained weight. I must be doing recovery wrong.”

See how tricky this can be? Instead of stressing over every word, the best thing you can do is shift your focus from food and body to feelings and support.

What NOT to Say (and Why)

❌ “Just eat more.” / “Just stop overthinking it.”

Recovery isn’t that simple. If it were, eating disorders wouldn’t exist. Statements like this dismiss how complicated and distressing it is to eat when you’re struggling.

❌ “I wish I had your willpower.”

This one might seem like a compliment, but it actually reinforces disordered behaviors. Eating disorders aren’t about willpower—they’re about deep emotional and psychological struggles.

❌ “Are you sure you need to eat that?” / “That’s a lot of food.”

Food policing (even if you’re “just curious”) fuels guilt and second-guessing. People in recovery already battle a loud, critical voice in their heads. They don’t need another one.

❌ “You don’t look like you have an eating disorder.”

Eating disorders don’t have a “look.” They affect people of all sizes, genders, and backgrounds. This kind of comment can make someone feel like they aren’t “sick enough” to deserve support.

❌ “But you love food! How can you have an eating disorder?”

Many people with eating disorders do love food—or at least, they used to. The disorder complicates their relationship with it. Loving food doesn’t make recovery easier.

What to Say Instead

✅ “I’m here for you, no matter what.”

Simple, reassuring, and powerful. Eating disorders are isolating, so knowing someone genuinely cares without judgment means a lot.

✅ “You don’t have to go through this alone.”

This reminds them that they deserve support. It also leaves the door open for conversations about professional help—without forcing it.

✅ “How can I support you right now?”

Rather than assuming what they need, this lets them tell you directly. Maybe they just want to vent, or maybe they’d appreciate a distraction from food-related stress.

✅ “I love spending time with you.”

Recovery can make social situations feel overwhelming. Reassuring them that they are valued beyond what they eat (or don’t eat) is important.

Real-Life Scenarios: What Helps & What Hurts

At a family dinner: “Wow, you’re eating so much more than before! That’s great!”

Instead, try saying: “I love getting to have meals together. It’s nice to just enjoy this time with you.”

When they open up about struggles:

“But you have such a good life—why do you feel this way?”

Instead, try saying: “That sounds really hard. I may not fully understand, but I want to support you.”

When they refuse food:

“Come on, just one bite. Do it for me.”

instead, try saying: “I know this is tough. If there’s anything I can do to make it easier, let me know.”

At the end of the day…

Your loved one doesn’t need perfect words. They need patience, consistency, and nonjudgmental support. You don’t have to fix them (and honestly, you can’t). But you can be a safe person who reminds them that they are more than their eating disorder.

If you’re feeling unsure, a good rule of thumb is: If it focuses on their feelings rather than their food or body, you’re on the right track. Stay curious, listen more than you talk, and keep showing up. That’s what really makes a difference.